Derby Day Ins & Outs (october 2020)

 

IN’s. 

·         Snorting Haggis.

·         Egging Jamie Bullard at every opportunity

·         Nicola Sturgeon eating a sturgeon, whilst being operated   on by a dodgy surgeon.

·         Arguing with turmeric

·         Wearing PPE to collect your MBE.

·         Building a fun pub in your cupboard. under the stairs

·         having a hot tub in your wardrobe.      

·         offering the virus out after a few 'lines'

·         Hiding in a tandoori oven

·         pretending to 'give a fuck'

·         Blaming Wigan for the pandemic.

·         Wacky tik tok pranks, eg-  deep frying your grandma in a  vat of  lard.

·         Grafters applying for Furlough

·         having a tomato as your only friend

·         The sinister return of massive turn ups 

·         Chasing your dog around the kitchen with a Carolina  reaper chilli.

·         Claiming you are an original 'Black panther' when drunk.

·         Shouting 'bring out your dead' in B@M

·         Finding a nest of Syrian refugees in your purple bin.

·         Regurgitating the same old shite

·         Whistling, psychotic, uncles.

·         Finding a clit under your mask.

·         Looking rather suspiciously at 5G masts.

·         Always mistaking fat people for each other.

·         trans fluid sprouts

·         social distance brawls.

·         getting lost on a daily basis.

·         Remembering 'how it used to be'

·         Lost pets support groups

·         Yearning for the pub snug

·         Elbow wigs

·         Forsaken foreskins

·         Winning the league after 8 games

·         Smokey Robinson eating smokey bacon crisps

·         Exploding teardrops

·         Being dishevelled

·         Marcus Rashford

·         REM losing their erections

·         Taking advantage of the hole in your sock to stash a  potato.

·         Finding comfort in Romford

·         When your plumber looks like Strummer

·         Having a stash of crank in your desk

·         Building a shed made of Lard

·         Using marmite as lube

·         When your 30 yr old colleague, who wears big baggy Emo  jeans, calls you a square

·         Selling your soul on ebay

·         Sanitised bollock wipes

·         Letting on to strangers when you’re wearing your mask

·         Shitting a conker

·         The 12” Reggae version of EastEnders

·         Levitating sprouts

·         Noddy Holder holding a cup holder whilst being bolder   than Steve Bould

·         The grizzly adams look among our yoot.

·         emerging from the lockdown looking like Bob geldof.

·         Genderfluid seekh kebabs.

·         remembering the 'gam'.

·         Lashing your ailing gran on to the streets because of the  '6' rule.

·         Trying to breed your dog with the freezer.

·         Getting caught singing 'the smurf song'.

·         Your boss’s 31yr old daughter        

          

 

OUT’s.

 

·         Getting anxious in the chippy queue

·         Nipple beards

·         Soccer AM

·         Soup toasties

·         Bloggers

·         Bubbles

·         Booking annual leave

·         BT / Sky

·         Posting corn

·         saying ;wow in french

·         Thinking you are a 'Guru'

·         Saying 100 percent

·         Re-training

·         Saying, “I can’t wait for this year to be over”

·         Remembering sitcoms

·         Tiers for fears

·         Adam and the Ants wearing jeggings at Butlins

·         Pretending to care

·         Getting a semi when you’re watching top gear

·         Killing the arts

·         Wreckless Tumeric.

·        Stroking other people’s chin’s when you are pondering a   conspiracy statement about Corona.

·         Blaming students

·         BBC (that’s the broadcasting company, folks)

·         Keir Starmer

·         Tom Watson's sickly grin

·         Anti -semetic beards,

·         That fucking 'ole ole song.

·         shouting "lad he's got a gun lad and watching hordes of  stoned youth scatter outside a pub.

·         Being somewhat ethereal

·         Being 'slightly' racist

·         Dressing your pets up as Victorian prostitutes.

·         Designer dogs with a propensity for shagging the freezer

·         Claiming you was a leading figure in the Cali cartel'

·         Saying 'drop a selfie'

·         Tommy Robinson

·         hugging

·         snogging

·         smooching

·         slippin’ and a slidin’

·         clandestine wanks under a throw.

·         Hoping for a quick 'Gam'

·         Lamping Jeremey Clarkson.

·         Defeating defeatists

·         Telling your mates child that you know who his real father is.

·         Vegan TV sets

·         Johnson’s itchy ball sack

·         Auld fellers saying “I’d eat fish and chips from her  knickers”

·         Researching coat hangers.

·         Ordering bacon on coats

·         Poking a hipster

·         Amusing/trendy masks

·         Ambushing your undies

·         Peter Cormack’s long sleeve’s.

·         Graham’s Sharpe (sic)  penis

·         Writing “sic” after a deliberate misspeling (sic)

·         Going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and   fucking on….and on

·         Still being a shagger at 61

·         Whatsapp groups

·         Holding meetings on the roundabout

·         Burger bums

·         Sidefooting a Savoy cabbage

            

Derby day Ins & Outs

(With contributions from ex End writers Tony McClelland and Paul Need)
dedicated to the memory of my mate Anthony Thompson.

Ins

• ·       A line of damp cookie dough in yer spliff
  ·         Confusing yer knickers with yer neckless
  ·         Having a “socks over your trainee’s” reunion
  ·         Boring the arse of yer kids
  ·         Doing a mime during clap for heroes
  ·         The Cotton Wool diet “it absorbs all the fat”. (*8 out of 3 trialist’s lost an   average of 3 stone a day).
  ·         Cheating in quizzes
  ·         Spray painting your testicles
  ·         Failing an M.O.T when you don’t own a car
  ·         Bullying a pickled egg.
  ·         Digging the dogging
  ·         Canny farm roundabout
  ·         Flaunting the furlough
  ·         Penis vein’d arms
  ·         Stuffing basa fillets into your t shirt to simulate having moobs
  ·         Mutating a militant, mutant.
  ·         Recalling gravy (fondly)
  ·         Revving loudly at 3am (when you don’t own a car)
  ·         Celebrating wildly whenever you hear a fart on a bus
  ·         Farting on the 10a
  ·         Incontinence plants
  ·         Resembling custard
  ·         Cactus cock syndrome
  ·         Saying “honestly,” before telling a blatant lie. (I honestly, love it when   people do that).
  ·         the famous, British, “stiff upper, fanny, lip”
  ·         Pondering what to rename your Jap’s-eye, during these politically correct   times.
  ·         Curried corduroy
  ·         Practising post lockdown chat up lines
  ·         Mowing astro turf
  ·         Drinking a pint of Singleman’s special reserve
  ·         Having a turbulent Sunday
  ·         Knowing a Kestrel from a Mohawk
  ·         Asking your barber to give you a Kestrel haircut
  ·         Finding solace in humus
  ·         Danish Bacon Flip flops
  ·         Being inclined to boredom wanks
  ·         Rediscovering Haircut 100
  ·         Always having a frozen carrot at hand.
  ·         Will Self
  ·         Will Power
  ·         ♫ Will you still love me tomorrow ♫ (when I have morning breath and I'm   firing out Kebab farts)?
  ·         Using bags of cod-in-butter-sauce as shoe insoles
  ·         Plopping yer false teeth in your mates red wine
  ·         Knee-capping a whale.
  ·         BLM
  ·         BLT
  
  

  Outs

  
  
  ·         ALM
  ·         BHS
  ·         Skinny jeans
  ·         Skinny jeans on fat hipsters
  ·         Hipsters
  ·         Twatting anyone who says “Baller”
  ·         Jose, the grim reaper of football.
  ·         Making pallets from garden furniture.
  ·         Throwing a surprise birthday party when you're self isolating
  ·         Going on a tinned meat diet.
  ·         Banging on about how many miles you walked.
  ·         Making up a conspiracy theory and believing it.
  ·         Taking quizzes seriously
  ·         Calling on “all footy lads”
  ·         Calling on all footy lads and then shitting out and not attending
  ·         Footy Lads answering the call
  ·         Algorithms
  ·         Discussing fish
  ·         Any puns ending with “lives matter”
  ·         Gin, with a hint of Bono,
  ·         Conspiracy theorist’s (especially regarding corona)
  ·         Working with wool Liverpool fans (not from Liverpool) who just   don’t get The S*n thing
  ·         Tik tok tits
  ·         Life size, Player, cardboard cut-outs
  ·         Corona blogs
  ·         Belting out the Steve Gerrard (fell on his arse) song at home   during the derby (even though there isn’t a Liverpool fan present)
  ·         Working at home
  ·         Working at home & bargains
  ·         Working at Hulme
  ·         Woking and Hulme.
  ·         Fitbit tits
  ·         Olives
  ·         Olive armies
  ·         Attempting to hire a minibus for lockdown away games at your   mates gaffe
  ·         Saying “during these troubled times”
  ·         London’s finest mobbing girls picnicking.
  ·         Building a drinks cabinet under your stairs.
  ·         Free mugs from sports direct
  ·         Lockdown orgies in crocky park
  ·         Calling people murderers (unless applied to police officials)
  ·         Garden Shed lock-ins
  ·         Using “banter” to excuse shitty comments and behaviour
  ·         Vegan Pencil sharpeners
  ·         Specialising in prem league left backs
  ·         No-neck’d red-necks.
  ·         Shorts and desert boots combo’s