The return of Billy Bull

A good friend of mine, Paul Dooley has sent me the following true story about an old school friend and prime candidate for retrospective Billy Bull.  I think you'll like it. He swears every word is true;

One of my favourites from The End mag was the ‘Billy Bull’ section. Here is a true story about a lad from Halewood that I reckon could have made it into print. This was from the late 80s. His name was Simon Munro  but he used to get called Simon Robson, as he styled himself on the then Man Utd captain Bryan.
Back then he played for a local pub team in the Sunday hangover league and used to describe himself as a ‘midfield general’. He was actually shite and only got a game as they were struggling for numbers.

One night in the pub he told us he’d been to Blackpool in his ford cortina and the gear box went so he had to drive all the way home in reverse.
Whilst he was in Blackpool he got a tattoo done on his arm but didn’t like it. So when he got home he slashed his arm with a razor blade and poured sterry milk on it. The next day the tattoo had gone!

Ha haaaaaaa .. Brilliant Paul!

If any readers have their own Billy Bull stories they would like to tell, message us via The End DM  on our Facebook page.

*all names have been changed

Ins & Outs. The February, finally got off me arse, 2018 editition

INS

·         The meaning of rife

·         Edwyn Collins singing L.O.V.E. love

·         Camouflaged Vicars

·         Under the Libyan sun

·         Showaddy- without the –waddy

·         ITV showing XTC on ecstasy on BBC

·         Thigh tongues. (for A.T.) x

·         Last bus home.

·         Cabbage at the magnet

·         Eggs benediction

·         Sandpaper hankies

·         Farting in reverse

·         Winning the pottery

·         Wearing thigh length boots  as a hat

·         Honkers

·         Skiddies in your socks

·         Finding a tic tac on the bus

·         Filling all your ma’s shoes with mashed potato

·         hair biscuits

·         Having chest hair……..on your forehead

·         The Racket

·         Being the only Ray in the village

·         Wearing yer gimp suit for the school run

·         Nudging someone with your nudger

·         Sketty legs (arch enemy of leccy legs)

·         Bunion bargies

·         Wonderful thighs

·         Hearing Deaf School for the first time

·         Freckled imagination

·         Licking lambs

·         Revealing a wool

·         Coming out the closet…..as a cunt

·         Having a baritone testicle

·         Getting twatted on Tuesdays

·         powdered egg massages

·         knitted machetes

·         braying sheep on your TV screen

·         Ska , after a bottle of bourbon. Yes bourbon..not rum.

·         Getting your eggs out everytime someone says “infinity”

·         A bit of blues.   

·         Red jumbo cords (again)

·         Stroking butter

·         Spicy Y white fronts

·         Lemmo

·         Cultivation

·         Learning from your pants and moving forehead

·         Pickled sideboards

·         Tripping up men with man buns

·         Being a cunt

·         Tripping up men with bushy beards

·         Fat Leo (in a bizzare  twist, the bugger is now “IN”!..after being out 30 years ago). Well in ye cunt!

·         tripping up men with cecks 2 inches above their brogues.

·         having a nudger

·         Fat, corrupt, Sams speakeasy

·         Velvet bellends

·         Rum flavoured Leeds fans

·         Accepting that factually, “foo fighters” translates in Taiwanese as “Rock for square women”

·         Denim beards

·         Coconut flavoured ejaculations.

·         Adopting a homeless person to use as a pet.

·         The Jethro Bodine ' look.

·         Tripe and Kale Butties.

·         Having your tongue placed firmly up a Lebanese business mans arse.

·         Hideous midget dogs.

·         Having a permeant grimace about you.

·         Singing 'Dooley's ' songs in the bath.

·         Boasting about 'copping for a dose' in Smokey Mos.

·         Mistaking baldy people for each other.

·         Clip in grins.

·         Starting up a Scurvy support group.

·         Being somewhat excited about a new dishcloth.

·         belonging to a pug appreciation society.

·         Winking at your microwave oven .

·         Benny Hill themed bars.

·         Finding a mung bean in ones Vagina .

·         Saying to your cat 'who the fuck you looking at?'

·         Bringing your child up as a sprout .

·         Claiming to have shagged a lollypop lady.

·         Utterly pointless window cleaners.

·         The sinister emergence of hooligan darts crews.

·         Tide marks.

·         Gaining insight into ones Chakras.

·         Gender fluid budgies.

·         Transgender hamsters.

·         Getting 'bare tit' after six months of courting.

·         Phoney gangsters trying to outdo each other with over the top 'baby shower parties'

·         Cutting yer cock off to make your pubes appear longer

·         Being droll while yer mates are having a fight in the local

·         Having a morning fued

·         Baking a can of strongbow and calling it Sunday roast

·         Having a ball without a ball in sight

·         Gang of Four hanging out with the Rubettes on Tuesdays

·         Comforting your testicles

·         Curried coats

·         Twatting anyone who says “bants”

OUTS

·         Europe.

·         Ian Prowes’s leather jacket

·         Leccy legs.

·         Paul Nuttals sickly grin .

·         Charity shop benders.

·         Meghan Markles minge.

·         Reunions of any kind.

·         Beards.

·         Not having a beard.

·         Bearded cutlery

·         Dogging on the Canny Farm Roundabout

·         Hubs.

·         Remembering the Fung Loy .

·         Having an  unhealthy sexual desire for Rees -Mogg.

·         Phoning the police about a football  transfer.

·         Vaping on ice

·         Saying 'thingio an that '

·         Normal looking lips.

·         Fuzzy hair styles in Old Swan

·         Thinking your Tony Montana after a few lines.

·         the trendy concept of 'street food'

·         Ingrate Brazilian midgets.

·         doing a slowie  to 'warm leatherette. '.

·         Befriending a sanitary towel

·         Stone Island (enough already)

·         the prospect of a new, one off END fanzine edition

·         doing a one off new Edition of The End for some ££$$$$

·         resting a large pair of testicles on your bald patch

·         fearing eggs

·         expecting

·         The frie in the ointment

·         having a shit that resembles Ringo’s nose

·         Under Arabian sun

·         Snorting powdered cum

·         Getting an Eggy in yer casey

·         Wearing Y fronts and a cows head

·         Eating tic tacs on the bus

·         Shitting efficiently

·         Scousers referring to scallies as casuals

·         Playing “whose line is it anyway” in the toilet cubicle in the White Star

·         Talking to yourshelf (sic)

·         Ordering a pint of vitriol after the derby

·         LFC TV

·         Irish wool who sings that fucking shite Salah song

·         Gobshites in town singing the Salah song

·         Gobshites putting video’s on you tube, singing the Salah song

·         Dave Mcabe’s  new tramp stamp ( a big butterfly just above his buttocks)

·         Liverpool One (again)

·         Discussing Mark E Smith songs (having never done so before)

·         Sharpening your nipples.

·         saying “banter” (or any abbreviated form of said word)

·         mentioning “abbreviated form’s”

·         liking OUTS

·         NUS

·         Being dough eyed (sic)

·         Being a Robert Killjoy

·         Ex

·         Sic

·         Stupid Flannel’s

·         Coke’d up neice’s

·         Coke’d up neighbors

·         Coke’d up ..errr, what was I saying then? OH! Did I mention that time I said something that made 3 people laugh and now I go on about it like it was the funniest thing EVER said in any conversation, EVER …..and it wasn’t even true in the first place and then I had another line and decided to listen to “CAN” but that was a bad move, lad.

·         Going into the barber's asking for a Phil Neal perm, knowing quite well you wear a wig . 

·         Cunning librarians

·         Stressed out stained glass windows

·         Psychotic farts

·         Synthetic lobe enhancement products

·         Public rice

·         Singing along to Franz Ferdinhand as you make an unusual omlette

·         Fried vitriol 

·         Asking for it 

·         Ice ice baby

·         Asking your mates for ins or outs 

·         Baked sideburns

·         Claiming to have shagged THE QUEEN (Elizabeth II) in the bogs in The Harrington

·         Claiming that The Queen used to wear Bowie cecks and dye her fringe blonde and that she bevvied in The Harrington

·         Food base ins or outs

·         Groove

·         Salt and vinegar flavoured bollocks.

·         Wobbly ham.

·         Believing.

·         You.

·         Cardboard cardigans.

·         Asking for Poof.

·         Real ale,

·         beards, bellies, man buns, shit clobber,

·         me.

·         shit pubs catering for the above.

·         Remembering lampposts fondly.

·         Socks for fish

·         Boiled c90 cassettes on toast

·         Being understanding

·         Gathering Kate Moss

·         Men

·         Remembering

·         Iron based irony

·         Giving a shit

·         Buying a record player

·         The 80’s

·         Any film billed as Powerful and Compelling

·         Neil Young’s used sex toys going for £18 on *bay

Contributions from lifelong friend and professional gobshite, Desmond (roots) Shaw , the ex  END fanzine pin-up, pretty boy, Tony ( loves Aztec Camera) McClelland, Terry Lindsey and Paul Dooly

*if there are any ins (or outs , ya cunts) That any of you find boring or offensive, please attribute to either or both  to Tony or Des. They’re fuckin wrong ‘uns and sheep worriers yer know.