Ins & Outs. The February, finally got off me arse, 2018 editition

INS

·         The meaning of rife

·         Edwyn Collins singing L.O.V.E. love

·         Camouflaged Vicars

·         Under the Libyan sun

·         Showaddy- without the –waddy

·         ITV showing XTC on ecstasy on BBC

·         Thigh tongues. (for A.T.) x

·         Last bus home.

·         Cabbage at the magnet

·         Eggs benediction

·         Sandpaper hankies

·         Farting in reverse

·         Winning the pottery

·         Wearing thigh length boots  as a hat

·         Honkers

·         Skiddies in your socks

·         Finding a tic tac on the bus

·         Filling all your ma’s shoes with mashed potato

·         hair biscuits

·         Having chest hair……..on your forehead

·         The Racket

·         Being the only Ray in the village

·         Wearing yer gimp suit for the school run

·         Nudging someone with your nudger

·         Sketty legs (arch enemy of leccy legs)

·         Bunion bargies

·         Wonderful thighs

·         Hearing Deaf School for the first time

·         Freckled imagination

·         Licking lambs

·         Revealing a wool

·         Coming out the closet…..as a cunt

·         Having a baritone testicle

·         Getting twatted on Tuesdays

·         powdered egg massages

·         knitted machetes

·         braying sheep on your TV screen

·         Ska , after a bottle of bourbon. Yes bourbon..not rum.

·         Getting your eggs out everytime someone says “infinity”

·         A bit of blues.   

·         Red jumbo cords (again)

·         Stroking butter

·         Spicy Y white fronts

·         Lemmo

·         Cultivation

·         Learning from your pants and moving forehead

·         Pickled sideboards

·         Tripping up men with man buns

·         Being a cunt

·         Tripping up men with bushy beards

·         Fat Leo (in a bizzare  twist, the bugger is now “IN”!..after being out 30 years ago). Well in ye cunt!

·         tripping up men with cecks 2 inches above their brogues.

·         having a nudger

·         Fat, corrupt, Sams speakeasy

·         Velvet bellends

·         Rum flavoured Leeds fans

·         Accepting that factually, “foo fighters” translates in Taiwanese as “Rock for square women”

·         Denim beards

·         Coconut flavoured ejaculations.

·         Adopting a homeless person to use as a pet.

·         The Jethro Bodine ' look.

·         Tripe and Kale Butties.

·         Having your tongue placed firmly up a Lebanese business mans arse.

·         Hideous midget dogs.

·         Having a permeant grimace about you.

·         Singing 'Dooley's ' songs in the bath.

·         Boasting about 'copping for a dose' in Smokey Mos.

·         Mistaking baldy people for each other.

·         Clip in grins.

·         Starting up a Scurvy support group.

·         Being somewhat excited about a new dishcloth.

·         belonging to a pug appreciation society.

·         Winking at your microwave oven .

·         Benny Hill themed bars.

·         Finding a mung bean in ones Vagina .

·         Saying to your cat 'who the fuck you looking at?'

·         Bringing your child up as a sprout .

·         Claiming to have shagged a lollypop lady.

·         Utterly pointless window cleaners.

·         The sinister emergence of hooligan darts crews.

·         Tide marks.

·         Gaining insight into ones Chakras.

·         Gender fluid budgies.

·         Transgender hamsters.

·         Getting 'bare tit' after six months of courting.

·         Phoney gangsters trying to outdo each other with over the top 'baby shower parties'

·         Cutting yer cock off to make your pubes appear longer

·         Being droll while yer mates are having a fight in the local

·         Having a morning fued

·         Baking a can of strongbow and calling it Sunday roast

·         Having a ball without a ball in sight

·         Gang of Four hanging out with the Rubettes on Tuesdays

·         Comforting your testicles

·         Curried coats

·         Twatting anyone who says “bants”

OUTS

·         Europe.

·         Ian Prowes’s leather jacket

·         Leccy legs.

·         Paul Nuttals sickly grin .

·         Charity shop benders.

·         Meghan Markles minge.

·         Reunions of any kind.

·         Beards.

·         Not having a beard.

·         Bearded cutlery

·         Dogging on the Canny Farm Roundabout

·         Hubs.

·         Remembering the Fung Loy .

·         Having an  unhealthy sexual desire for Rees -Mogg.

·         Phoning the police about a football  transfer.

·         Vaping on ice

·         Saying 'thingio an that '

·         Normal looking lips.

·         Fuzzy hair styles in Old Swan

·         Thinking your Tony Montana after a few lines.

·         the trendy concept of 'street food'

·         Ingrate Brazilian midgets.

·         doing a slowie  to 'warm leatherette. '.

·         Befriending a sanitary towel

·         Stone Island (enough already)

·         the prospect of a new, one off END fanzine edition

·         doing a one off new Edition of The End for some ££$$$$

·         resting a large pair of testicles on your bald patch

·         fearing eggs

·         expecting

·         The frie in the ointment

·         having a shit that resembles Ringo’s nose

·         Under Arabian sun

·         Snorting powdered cum

·         Getting an Eggy in yer casey

·         Wearing Y fronts and a cows head

·         Eating tic tacs on the bus

·         Shitting efficiently

·         Scousers referring to scallies as casuals

·         Playing “whose line is it anyway” in the toilet cubicle in the White Star

·         Talking to yourshelf (sic)

·         Ordering a pint of vitriol after the derby

·         LFC TV

·         Irish wool who sings that fucking shite Salah song

·         Gobshites in town singing the Salah song

·         Gobshites putting video’s on you tube, singing the Salah song

·         Dave Mcabe’s  new tramp stamp ( a big butterfly just above his buttocks)

·         Liverpool One (again)

·         Discussing Mark E Smith songs (having never done so before)

·         Sharpening your nipples.

·         saying “banter” (or any abbreviated form of said word)

·         mentioning “abbreviated form’s”

·         liking OUTS

·         NUS

·         Being dough eyed (sic)

·         Being a Robert Killjoy

·         Ex

·         Sic

·         Stupid Flannel’s

·         Coke’d up neice’s

·         Coke’d up neighbors

·         Coke’d up ..errr, what was I saying then? OH! Did I mention that time I said something that made 3 people laugh and now I go on about it like it was the funniest thing EVER said in any conversation, EVER …..and it wasn’t even true in the first place and then I had another line and decided to listen to “CAN” but that was a bad move, lad.

·         Going into the barber's asking for a Phil Neal perm, knowing quite well you wear a wig . 

·         Cunning librarians

·         Stressed out stained glass windows

·         Psychotic farts

·         Synthetic lobe enhancement products

·         Public rice

·         Singing along to Franz Ferdinhand as you make an unusual omlette

·         Fried vitriol 

·         Asking for it 

·         Ice ice baby

·         Asking your mates for ins or outs 

·         Baked sideburns

·         Claiming to have shagged THE QUEEN (Elizabeth II) in the bogs in The Harrington

·         Claiming that The Queen used to wear Bowie cecks and dye her fringe blonde and that she bevvied in The Harrington

·         Food base ins or outs

·         Groove

·         Salt and vinegar flavoured bollocks.

·         Wobbly ham.

·         Believing.

·         You.

·         Cardboard cardigans.

·         Asking for Poof.

·         Real ale,

·         beards, bellies, man buns, shit clobber,

·         me.

·         shit pubs catering for the above.

·         Remembering lampposts fondly.

·         Socks for fish

·         Boiled c90 cassettes on toast

·         Being understanding

·         Gathering Kate Moss

·         Men

·         Remembering

·         Iron based irony

·         Giving a shit

·         Buying a record player

·         The 80’s

·         Any film billed as Powerful and Compelling

·         Neil Young’s used sex toys going for £18 on *bay

Contributions from lifelong friend and professional gobshite, Desmond (roots) Shaw , the ex  END fanzine pin-up, pretty boy, Tony ( loves Aztec Camera) McClelland, Terry Lindsey and Paul Dooly

*if there are any ins (or outs , ya cunts) That any of you find boring or offensive, please attribute to either or both  to Tony or Des. They’re fuckin wrong ‘uns and sheep worriers yer know.

Christmas Ins & Outs 2016

 IN’s

·         Having an unhealthy liking for Offal

·         Harbouring a sick sexual desire for Angela Eagles Muzzie.

·         The re-emergence of Charlie Dimicks nipples.

·         Saying 'Bunkum' whilst trying to appear angry.

·         Backstabbing a nice genial Hippy.

·         flicking chickpeas at your cat.

·         Blaming Corbyn  for the Christmas shits.

·         Calling everyone 'Jack'.

·         Pseudo pricks.

·         Agreeing to disagree .

·         Proclaiming in a boastful manner that you have a small penis.

·         Shoplifting a single Mushroom.

·         Hoping your ex was caught up in the Turkish coup.

·         Jonathon Owens’ Mrs.

·         balsa wood undies

·         salt n pepper ribs

·         Coming out of a coma (go ‘ed Elaine! And Les!)

·         (Persian) Merseyside Corduroy lingerie

·         Discussing Octopi

·         Nights out with your best mates nan

·         Mouthing swear words at the priest during Mass

·         Watering your tele

·         Wearing anal beads with pride for Sunday mass

·         Paolo and Donetti’s

·         Leeds fans back at Anfield

·         Planting a sausage

·         Deciding to deviate

·         Filling your mates toilet tank with porridge oats

·         Onion Banjo’s

·         Devo

·         Bumfluff butties

·         Re-growing your old flick

·         Cold custard straight from the can

·         Deliberately being a cantankerous twat

·         Curry pasties

·         Christmas knickers

·         Christmas Kickers

·         Slow mo wanks

·         Punching the wall and breaking your hand when LFC score against you in the last minute, in the derby

·         Filling your socks with stuffing and pineapple chunks

·         Drinking a pint of gravy

·         Throwing ollies at leccy legs

·         Furry dicks

OUT’s

·         Christmas undies

·         Signing off every message with a turban emoji

·         Getting Lynx Africa again

·         Getting drank under the table by your daughters

·         Gear stick wanks

·         Remembering Pete Burns, fondly.

·         Proper WOOL colleagues commenting..on anything

·         Craving a carvery

·         Having no empathy

·         Snobby ex punks, thinking they are the only punk that mattered or existed

·         Having beef on FB

·         Dingle

·         Twitter experts

·         Bulging ball bags covered in soup

·         Stalking Don Letts

·         Wools using scouse expressions

·         Getting offered Charlie every 10 yards when you’re walking down a street in Portugal with your teenage daughters.

·         Saying "just wow",

·         Korean billy (annoying little prick)

·         Zlatan’s vagina

·         being sociable

·         Coffee sandwhiches

·         Knowing about cars

·         Noticing the noticeable bulge

·         Fantasising about covering Theresa May with salt and pepper flavouring

·         Brass bands at the match

·         Political posts on social media

·         Christmas

·         Not having a filter

·         Chirpy cockneys

·         Fashioning a bra from the Liverpool Echo

·         Bootle Blert (Nuttall)

·         Grey beards

·         Hillsborough songs in The ‘Angus

·         Parry’s

·         Sensitive soles

·         Leccy Legs

·         Aigburth

·         Ignoring yer mates calls

·         Not writing any ins & Outs for 10 months

·         Figging

·         Drinking your mates present

·         Defending Simple Minds

·         Mustard smoothies

·         The UB40 family divorce

·         Hiding the MDMA under your forskin