a few Derby day Ins & Out's

Ins 


· Keeping a walnut handy

· Donald’s teeny tiny hands and penis

· Using sandpaper to clean that stubborn clingon

· Green Bra’s

· Burger nip’s.

· Storing porridge in yer Y-fronts on the drive to work

· Burnt Ends.

· Using stuffed crust as a belt.

· Bootle South Youth Club disco

· 3 button waist bands

· Remembering Adrian Poster

· A giant raft in the Philippines

· The Blarney Stone, NYC .

· Bob Mortimer’s face

· Getting Mexico to pay for the building of your new extension.

· ¾ Club

· Starting a Jumbo Cord’s gang

· Vicky McClure

· Cow Egg’s

· Finding part of a leek In ones underpants.

· Singing a racey song and getting caught.

· catching your auntie snorting a line.

· Snuff.

· Lionel Blair lookalikes .

· Pickled onion crisps

· Teaching yer grandma to suck legs

· Dithering

· Chemistry sets

· Telling the window cleaner he makes you wet

· Wearing a fringe like Roger mcGuinn

· Beans on Toads

· Kennedy (too much apple pie)

· String vests

· Kentucky avenue

· Knee scabs

· Violent French women

· Les Need

· Forgetting

· Burnt ends

· Ponderosa Glee Boys

· Sister Jacqueline & Carmella

· twats


Outs


· twats

· mates who remember everything

· Everything

· Ignoring fat cunts

· Avoidance Robbie on The Jump

· Using yer nans bloomer’s as your wank sock

· absorbing

· Salt and pepper chip eating supporters

· Salt and pepper’s lonely hearts club band

· Remembering Gizmo from Brookside at 4.17am

· Political images on your facebook

· Political images on your face

· Asking your nan if she wants to go to the beauticians for a facial

· Buying yer mates daughter chocolate and flowers

· The Blarney Stone, Renshaw Street

· Naming your penis “betty”.

· Being invited to a beak and beef barbeque.

· Gobshite Ginger snarler’s in Ye Cracke

· Not being there.

· The green jackets coming to play OXO on your arse

· Tooled up townies

· Positively reinforcing to your mate that he is indeed a prick.

· Being gallant for no apparent reason.

· wondering aimlessly and still getting lost.

· waking up with your face looking like a bowl of Borsch soup.

· Themed wanks.

· Being rather partial to kale.

· The return of the community oddball.

· saying Eh up.

· The female mick Jagger lips phenomenon currently sweeping Liverpool.

· Auld cunts commenting on current phenomenons

· Pop up Pre-fabricated pubs

· saying 'if I was ten years younger'.

· Mistaking everyone with a beard for each other.

· People with no mates and telling you where you’ve gone wrong

· Modern Football

· Trying to impress people by saying you like Elbow

· Joe Anderson

· Let downs

· Pride in your bellend

Ins & Outs The End Fanzine January 2016

INs

Exploding robins

Bald children

Balancing a peanut on your penis

Agent LVG

Starting a gang in your fifty's

Inexplicably sounding like Lee Marvin in mid sentence.

Talking in back slang to your dog. 

Yearning for nothing in particular.

Finally grasping the complexities of earl grey tea.Claiming to have copped for a female Kurdish freedom fighter.

Completely missing the point and getting smacked because of it.

Boycotting boycotts.

Fiddle players crotch area,

Mary MacGregor's nipples

Having a perpetual look of disgust.  

Becoming all teary eyed about Checkmate (club)

The sinister re- emergence of Bowie Kecks.

Jürgen klopps omnipresent smile.

Having a semi erotic dream about Pauli walnuts of soprano’s fame.

Singing 'Salisbury hill' in your sleep.

Shoulder charging a snail

Wearing yer sisters tights for work

Yodelling in the street end

Fantasising about runny yolks

Building a life size coffin with your kids lego set

Smoking a kipper in a big fat cone

Being a daft ‘apeth

Holding on to your mates testicles for dear life

Buying your mate Lidl Trainees for his birthday

Wooden curtains

Friendly lesbians

Frisky sausages

Mouldy old dough (in the star and garter)

Stashing yoghurt in your undies

Crotchless socks

Telling your dad he is gay

Having a big toe that looks like an index finger

Dating a Salmon

Jeremey Corbyn’s wrinkled elbows

“mind yer car mate?”

Having an affair with Peter Purvis

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OUTs

Pointing out my spelling erors

Joggers skin tags

Deluded fat people calling other people fat

Wool behaviour

Reunions.   

Knowing the right people

Getting beat up in a cupboard

Temporary insanity.

Coming home after six months with an Alberto Moreno haircut.

The past catching up with you.

Your nan catching up with you

Polishing your knee’s

Sundried chips

Saying "stranger things have happened".

Hilary Benn's treacherous eyes.

Lying about your age.

Regurgitating the same old shite.

Tracking down unfunny comedians.

Going missing from Facebook.

Indiscriminate Bombings of little country's

Noticing Fiddle player crotch area’s

Fiddling with fiddle players crotch area

Ian Ayres crotch rot (caught from his leather motorbike cecks)

Biting bricks to impress the ladies

Badgering Burnley fans

Bumming a rolie

Surprising yer local bobby with a friendly can of marrowfat peas

Being spiked in the 02

Proud of being a gobshite

Finding out Cameron also fucked an eel

Pimping out your poodle

Working for the clampdown

Ambling

Having an index finger that looks like a big toe

Thinking you are Shirley Valentine

Starting a phone sex line up in the lounge of the Throttles nest

Scurrying

Flirting with your neighbours wheelie bin