July Ins & Outs (post WC)

Ins

 

• Adrian Chiles’ testicle like jowels
• Argentina’s brasil decime que se siente song
• Finding cabbage in your undies
• Farting at 4.15 on a Friday
• Telling yer ma she looks fuckin hot today
• The Brazilian kajagoogoo look
• hard-case seagulls
• Coffee benders.
• Irreverence
• Misanthropic hippies.
• Offering your laptop out in frustration.
• Saying "it’s not a problem" for no apparent fucking reason.
• Listening to someone debating the semantics of "doing one"or
• "getting on one"
• Getting off one
• Sideboards on yer face
• Sideburns in yer living room (with plazzy flowers on)
• Arse beards
• Throwing 6593 buttons in your girlfriends face while she sleeps
• Pretending your saw Ian McNabb on Neil Youngs support bill
• Having girth
• Asking for a gam
• Doing keepy ups with a mouth organ
• Playing “blowing in the wind” on a tennis ball
• Finishing your partners (jail) sentences
• Giving peace a chance
• The ever increasing realisation that your country’s  (respected?) media tells lies and hides truth
• Sapporo lager
• Shitting on yer neighbours lawn at 3.40 a.m.
• Bindipping…yes, that’s what we do in Liverpool, (you stupid inbred southern ignorant gobshites)
• Remembering the Rubettes keyboard player
• Kim Gorden (yes, still!)
• Phil Collins secret stash of corned beef stashed offshore near Anglesey
• Staring at rude boys
• Chicken thighs after sex
• Big fat calves
• Casual rolling stones nights
• Nicky Morgans tales of passion in the classroom (Book 2 )
• Nick Caves cavernous cock conundrum (should he splice it thrice, or not?)
• CSI (if  “CSI”= Croxteth should implode)
• Peaches
• Gear change wanks
• Flicking snot on James Cordens back
• Putting cress seeds around yer sweaty bollock when you go to bed
• Making the Mrs egg and cress butties
• Asking the waiter to join you
• Asking your granddad  if you can borrow butt plug
• Charging a mars bar over night
• Penis shaped chicken fillets
• Japanese blackpudding
• Volleying the milkman
• Having an affair with a snooker cue
• Balancing corned beef
• Tripping your mates 2 year old up
• Asking for a gobble
• Riding a pizza
• Ted Dansons extraordinarily long ball bag
• Exposing gobshites
• Soap on toast
• Feeling a left tit
• Tomato sauce lolly ices
• Getting a balloon attached to a stick off the rag man
• Swerving coke ‘eds
   

outs

• Saying “come on then” (instead of just getting on with the job in hand)
• The Brazil crowds shrieking rendition of their Anthem
• Asking for a pint of walnuts at your local
• Curry flavoured edible knickers
• Remembering the Goodies
• claiming to know a favela crew.
• talking defensive tactics with your cat.
• The Chilean Travis bickle look.
• saying "the space behind"
• Linekers noisome smirk.
• Lurid teenage beards.
• Britain's firsts dads army type brigades.
• Being young and healthy (twats!)
• Cockneys (again)
• Cock eyed cockney’s
• Telling folk the plural of cockney is Cocti
• Getting legged by cocti
• Teenagers in waistcoats
• Skinny lad legs
• Circumcised budgies
• Cardboard jammy’s
• Pencil dicks
• Forgetting what you were going to …
• conservative  Conservatives
• labour intensive labour voters
• Anti-social Socialists
• Undemocratic Democrats
• Undisclosed closure
• Angry nipples
• Dramatic photos of oneself in the theatre
• Forgetting who your mates were
• MP’s and Musician publicity photos
• Supporting a club that doesn’t give a fuck about its original core fans
• Indiscriminate bombings of civilians
• Living in an area so shite that shootings don’t even make the local papers, never mind the tabloids
• Bootle Strand
• Being a wacky, “cool” senior manager
• Sugary armpits
• Getting someone else to reply on your behalf (shithouse)
• Not realising you’re a twat
• Chelsea……just everything, classless twats
• Being shit on by the club you support
• Mixed veg stuffed In your foreskin
• Imaging The Rubbettes keyboard player making scouse
• Wool bosses thinking they are street
• Moist pencil tips
• Mates who tell you how many reps they have done
• Being dead serious
• Cock rot
• Still talking about breaking bad
• Gobshite shouting “Neil Diamond” over and over at Neil Young gig?
• Judging
• Channelling god via Boris’s arse
• Excusing yourself
• Bullshitting about your VOTE
• Forgetting your rooooooots
• Shitting bull shit
• Expecting victory
• Self-declared hard men
• Cars with love handles
• Parsnip parties
• Expecting solidarity
   
   

Mick Potter talks about Beck's latest TV venture

EL RANTO.........continued.

Staying on a South American theme did y’see ol’ tattoo ted himself DAVE BOY BECKS tear arseing through the AMAZONIAN rainforest scarin’ the shit out of endangered hunter gatherers and killing untold numbers of grubs and beetles . Yes the well-known conservationist BECKHAM rumoured to be lined up for David Attenborough’s job when those gorillas get payback time, was on a quest (err Mr BBC MAN WHAT DOES QUEST MEAN AGAIN?) A nervous and excited BECKS was heard to ask) on motorbike with a few likeminded souls to find himself , his true being , being at one with nature and lots of other stuff like that.

For fucks sake does anyone believe this shite ? Him and the lads, ah yes it’s always the lads done more damage than a posse of LATINO LOGGERS could manage in years. They had more gear with them than PINK FLOYD on the road. This nauseating bollocks coupled with the predictable hugs and back slaps off the lads had me praying for a local to produce one last salvo of poison darts and do us all a favour. No such luck.

Moving on a couple of months and where does the great white explorer DOCTOR BECKHAM turn up? A Swirling mass of millionaire mountain climbers Potholing charity campaigning greats and an assortment of inbred toffs who’ve never done a day’s hard graft in theirfuckin lives ? Endlings, I gave you the royal box at WIMBLEDON. Good to see SCOTTIE ROADS finest PRISSILA WHITE deep in the morass. Our CILLA…….I  wonder if ROLF has sent her the V.O yet ?

So what next for BECKS and the lads? De-lousing poxed up badgers, flossing polar bears with dodgy molars (hope so) I suppose it’s not his fault the lads are in tow. Whether it’s a gang of divis carrying a blow up doll from bar to bar or a rump of 40 plus (in years and numbers) fat ‘eads squeezed into NORTH FACE anything cos it’s the lads!...well that makes its alright doesn’t it? Sorry must dash. Going out with the lads it’s the pool team reunion! STAY TUNED FOR THE POOL TEAM REUNION.

Michael Potter is back....and he's having a rant about the world cup

This shall be known as the Rant....Weekly?  Monthly?  Who knows?  

World cup news, forget the Suarez  chomp on the tatty PRIMARNI Italian shirt. Y ‘see that’s the problem......quality control. Let me explain. Previous world cups always showed Italian style at its best ,whether it be baggy shorts when everyone was wearing budgie smuggling speedos or even a nice glass of vino with your grub while others supped on cabbage juice prescribed by a smack ‘ed  chancer of a shrink who frankly couldn’t believe his luck. Austerity is to blame. Six months ago my impeccable sources i.e  one of the lads on the door at the supa dupa PRIMARNI store,Liverpool city centre,  overheard a conversation which basically was a contract for the firm that clothes the nation to err sort  Italy with world cup kits… with extra strong brown carrier bags thrown in for free ( extra strong to cope with the humidity  humidity and the humidity ) Previously it was always  KAPPA  on the pitch  AMARNI  for  the night clubs. Sadly economics dealt the azurri a cruel hand. Cut to the chase a decent KAPPA would never have fell apart just because  a  chap slobbered on your shoulder . Maybe they could bring them back  hope they’ve kept the receipt. MORALITY.... Just how far up Terrence Henry’s  carsy was GAL  LINEKERS tongue ? Hand ball HENRY? sssshh  GAL  don’t want to mention that FRANCE /IRELAND game  when the boring French man thought he was on a basketball pitch thus denying the republic world cup glory in SOUTH AFRICA.

Give me that loon ROBBIE SAVAGE  any day!  don’t know if its twins or triplets he’s  expecting but at least he’s  .....well, a loon.  Being French doesn’t  mean you’re naturally interesting. Over on ITV  we have that fella who hosts the show ( where did the man whose name i can’t be arsed finding out come from ?) and CLARKE CARISLE  the black RAY WILKINS sorry CLARKE I’ll take that back, too cruel. GORDON STRACHAN is great and who’s that fella who’s always incandescent with rage ? Probably all hanging out of Amazonian brasses, jammy bastards. Highlight of the tournament so far has to be FREDS muzzie. What a great name as well! would have been really weird if he had thrown  the O on the end which is always a guarantee of world cup immortality. By the way are all those super models simply hanging around the grounds or what ? The beasty Brazilian camera men never fail in their efforts to introduce top quality totty to the slobbering masses. Coupled with lardy oafs  in divi traditional garb to ensure gender balance thus preventing Guardian readers from complaining and being outraged on channel 4 news.....still beasts though.