Get To fuck, maggie May

a few Derby day Ins & Out's

Ins 


· Keeping a walnut handy

· Donald’s teeny tiny hands and penis

· Using sandpaper to clean that stubborn clingon

· Green Bra’s

· Burger nip’s.

· Storing porridge in yer Y-fronts on the drive to work

· Burnt Ends.

· Using stuffed crust as a belt.

· Bootle South Youth Club disco

· 3 button waist bands

· Remembering Adrian Poster

· A giant raft in the Philippines

· The Blarney Stone, NYC .

· Bob Mortimer’s face

· Getting Mexico to pay for the building of your new extension.

· ¾ Club

· Starting a Jumbo Cord’s gang

· Vicky McClure

· Cow Egg’s

· Finding part of a leek In ones underpants.

· Singing a racey song and getting caught.

· catching your auntie snorting a line.

· Snuff.

· Lionel Blair lookalikes .

· Pickled onion crisps

· Teaching yer grandma to suck legs

· Dithering

· Chemistry sets

· Telling the window cleaner he makes you wet

· Wearing a fringe like Roger mcGuinn

· Beans on Toads

· Kennedy (too much apple pie)

· String vests

· Kentucky avenue

· Knee scabs

· Violent French women

· Les Need

· Forgetting

· Burnt ends

· Ponderosa Glee Boys

· Sister Jacqueline & Carmella

· twats


Outs


· twats

· mates who remember everything

· Everything

· Ignoring fat cunts

· Avoidance Robbie on The Jump

· Using yer nans bloomer’s as your wank sock

· absorbing

· Salt and pepper chip eating supporters

· Salt and pepper’s lonely hearts club band

· Remembering Gizmo from Brookside at 4.17am

· Political images on your facebook

· Political images on your face

· Asking your nan if she wants to go to the beauticians for a facial

· Buying yer mates daughter chocolate and flowers

· The Blarney Stone, Renshaw Street

· Naming your penis “betty”.

· Being invited to a beak and beef barbeque.

· Gobshite Ginger snarler’s in Ye Cracke

· Not being there.

· The green jackets coming to play OXO on your arse

· Tooled up townies

· Positively reinforcing to your mate that he is indeed a prick.

· Being gallant for no apparent reason.

· wondering aimlessly and still getting lost.

· waking up with your face looking like a bowl of Borsch soup.

· Themed wanks.

· Being rather partial to kale.

· The return of the community oddball.

· saying Eh up.

· The female mick Jagger lips phenomenon currently sweeping Liverpool.

· Auld cunts commenting on current phenomenons

· Pop up Pre-fabricated pubs

· saying 'if I was ten years younger'.

· Mistaking everyone with a beard for each other.

· People with no mates and telling you where you’ve gone wrong

· Modern Football

· Trying to impress people by saying you like Elbow

· Joe Anderson

· Let downs

· Pride in your bellend

Review. Simply Dylan. The Atkinson theatre Southport 4.2.2017 (by Terry Lindsay)

Review. Simply Dylan.  The Atkinson theatre Southport 4.2.2017

As someone who has been fortunate enough to watch  Groundpig since around 81(I think) in venues, ranging from the utterly manic  Scotty club, bier Keller,  and Daily's amongst others, where Groundpig would have hundreds of deranged match going individuals dancing manically to 'nelly the elephant and' postman pat'  (the frenzied masses  obviously thought the aforementioned tunes were  rare and   unreleased material from Floyd, and Zappa  probably due in the main to a heady transcendental cocktail of Lebanon's finest, along  with vast consumption of leg-trembling liquor) as well as  songs by Dylan, Lindisfarne, Neil Young, Simon, the dire Dire Straits, Simon and Garfunkel et al.  It was a sight to behold watching hundreds and hundreds of Samba / mamba clad scallies (fuck off with yer “casuals”) moshing madly to such mild old folk tunes. Its hard to fathom or to emphasise just how crazy and utterly ecstatic those nights where! (But if you wanna read more about them, check The End’s Groundpig memories here The End staff Groundpig memories

Anyway, enough of my nostalgic risible ramblings and on with the review. The Atkinson theatre is the perfect little place for John (O’connell) and his band to deliver a brilliant and intimate interpretation of Dylan's work.

The Band opened with the wonderfully acerbic “Positively 4th street” (if you have a 2 faced, let down, waster of a “friend”, go and check the lyrics of this song and rejoice in the utter unadulterated cynicism of Dylan’s lyrics to accompany his snarling nasal delivery) this was followed by beautiful renditions of “ISIS”, “changing of the guards”, “Jack of hearts” and probably the best version I have ever heard of “My back pages”.  

The second set got off to an equally brilliant start with a scotty club favourite “Hurricane” followed by “Desolation row” and one of my all-time favourite Dylan songs “stop crying”. Next came an absolute stunning duet of “Boots of Spanish leather” with the bands multi-talented violin player. 

John was engaged in a bit of ongoing cordial banter in between songs with some delightfully classy females sat right at the front, from Bolton, who I thought were on a hen night and had simply turned up at the wrong resort believing that they were actually in Blackpool to see Chubby Brown or some other chavvy shite comedian, luckily enough when the lights went on there wasn't a blow up doll or inflatable penis to be seen anywhere!

The Band ended with a rousing rendition of “Like a Rolling stone”  that had everyone dancing in the isles (except for me of course, because I am a miserable prick and if I ever do try to dance I look like I am having violent parkinsonism tremors)….. Anyway, If you are a Dylan fan or simply just appreciate brilliant music performed by brilliant musicians then get your arses down to see John and his band, Simply Dylan! 

You can also catch John playing some old favourites at the slaughter house on the last Friday of every month at Liverpool venue, The Slaughterhouse.

Christmas Ins & Outs 2016

 IN’s

·         Having an unhealthy liking for Offal

·         Harbouring a sick sexual desire for Angela Eagles Muzzie.

·         The re-emergence of Charlie Dimicks nipples.

·         Saying 'Bunkum' whilst trying to appear angry.

·         Backstabbing a nice genial Hippy.

·         flicking chickpeas at your cat.

·         Blaming Corbyn  for the Christmas shits.

·         Calling everyone 'Jack'.

·         Pseudo pricks.

·         Agreeing to disagree .

·         Proclaiming in a boastful manner that you have a small penis.

·         Shoplifting a single Mushroom.

·         Hoping your ex was caught up in the Turkish coup.

·         Jonathon Owens’ Mrs.

·         balsa wood undies

·         salt n pepper ribs

·         Coming out of a coma (go ‘ed Elaine! And Les!)

·         (Persian) Merseyside Corduroy lingerie

·         Discussing Octopi

·         Nights out with your best mates nan

·         Mouthing swear words at the priest during Mass

·         Watering your tele

·         Wearing anal beads with pride for Sunday mass

·         Paolo and Donetti’s

·         Leeds fans back at Anfield

·         Planting a sausage

·         Deciding to deviate

·         Filling your mates toilet tank with porridge oats

·         Onion Banjo’s

·         Devo

·         Bumfluff butties

·         Re-growing your old flick

·         Cold custard straight from the can

·         Deliberately being a cantankerous twat

·         Curry pasties

·         Christmas knickers

·         Christmas Kickers

·         Slow mo wanks

·         Punching the wall and breaking your hand when LFC score against you in the last minute, in the derby

·         Filling your socks with stuffing and pineapple chunks

·         Drinking a pint of gravy

·         Throwing ollies at leccy legs

·         Furry dicks

OUT’s

·         Christmas undies

·         Signing off every message with a turban emoji

·         Getting Lynx Africa again

·         Getting drank under the table by your daughters

·         Gear stick wanks

·         Remembering Pete Burns, fondly.

·         Proper WOOL colleagues commenting..on anything

·         Craving a carvery

·         Having no empathy

·         Snobby ex punks, thinking they are the only punk that mattered or existed

·         Having beef on FB

·         Dingle

·         Twitter experts

·         Bulging ball bags covered in soup

·         Stalking Don Letts

·         Wools using scouse expressions

·         Getting offered Charlie every 10 yards when you’re walking down a street in Portugal with your teenage daughters.

·         Saying "just wow",

·         Korean billy (annoying little prick)

·         Zlatan’s vagina

·         being sociable

·         Coffee sandwhiches

·         Knowing about cars

·         Noticing the noticeable bulge

·         Fantasising about covering Theresa May with salt and pepper flavouring

·         Brass bands at the match

·         Political posts on social media

·         Christmas

·         Not having a filter

·         Chirpy cockneys

·         Fashioning a bra from the Liverpool Echo

·         Bootle Blert (Nuttall)

·         Grey beards

·         Hillsborough songs in The ‘Angus

·         Parry’s

·         Sensitive soles

·         Leccy Legs

·         Aigburth

·         Ignoring yer mates calls

·         Not writing any ins & Outs for 10 months

·         Figging

·         Drinking your mates present

·         Defending Simple Minds

·         Mustard smoothies

·         The UB40 family divorce

·         Hiding the MDMA under your forskin

This Is THE END. Images of END FANZINE Memories set to This Is The End, by The Doors

After Call Work: Verbal Warning (After Call Work #1) by Ryan Bracha

After Call Work: Verbal Warning (After Call Work #1)

by Ryan Bracha 

Sometime last year I reviewed a book called “Thank You for Your Call” by Robert  Leigh

This was my review

“Hmm, this could have been so much more. The idea of a call centre worker going out and murdering some of his overzealous complaining callers is one that appealed to me. I was hoping for a character similar to Serge in Tim Dorsy's series...twisted, evil, funny and sadistic with a unswerving sense of righteousness about his deeds. But I found the lead character as annoying as his callers. Of course the book ended with our man on the verge of a new conquest and I guess in time he could become a bit more cynical and humorous about what he does...but i just felt a little let down that the author seemed a little reluctant to inject joy and fun into the killing spree”

So, I come to read After Call Work, by one of the UK’s most exciting “indie writers” around, Ryan Bracha.

If you have read any of his previous work you will know that, apart from his dynamic, no nonsense writing style Ryan Bracha isn’t afraid to deliver, hilarious, inventive and twisted characters and story lines. From the scarily prophetic Dead Man series where he regaled us with the stories of a gang of rogues and rebels trying to make sense of a un-united kingdom that had closed its doors to the rest of the world to his hilarious true life short stories (“The banjo string snapped but the band played on”,  “Bogies, and other equally messed up tales of love, lust, drugs and grandad porn” and other twisted tales like “The Switched” and “Strangers are just friends that you haven’t killed yet”, you dive into the mind of a man who can find humour and love in the most evil and violent worlds imaginable.

So I was particularly excited to see Bracha take on the world of the call centre after I felt let down by my previous reading experience in that world.

As you would expect, he doesn’t disappoint.

Although this book is probably as normal as it gets for Bracha (and his characters are based on people he met when he worked in a call centre, I believe). The sad but hilarious decent into murder, rim jobs and STD’s of the books two main characters, Barry (the overweight,  socially inept  loner who is cruelly and mercilessly bullied by his contemptible protagonist, Steve and the other main character Penny (the sexy heroine, loose of morals, nice heart, unfortunate choice in sexual partners). Penny shows a glimpse of humanity towards Barry after a devastating incident in the call centre toilets and the story takes a twist in more ways than you can imagine.

Penny’s fall from Grace is met head on by Barry’s sad infatuation and soon enough people start to die and the reader is treated to all manner of twists and red herrings that prevent the story from being in anyway predictable and keeps your avid interest from start to finish.

Bracha’s stark and often brutal portrayal of his characters is one of the reasons he is such a great writer and although this outing is set in the real world, in real time with no supernatural or dystopian aids to take it elsewhere, the characters and the situations they find themselves descending into makes this as thrilling as any of his previous books. 

I am always disappointed when I finish a Bracha book and this was no exception. So I was delighted to see that After Call Work is book 1 of an up coming series and I just know it’s going to get even funnier and twisted with each book. I can’t wait for the next one.

If you haven’t read any books by Ryan Bracha, this may be the ideal one to prepare you for the rest.

If you haven’t read any books by Ryan Bracha, you must be a knob.

BUY IT HERE

Book review Deadinburgh (hunted) Mark Wilson

dEaDINBURGH: Hunted (Din Eidyn Corpus #4)

So,  my favourite series of books comes to a final conclusion. I would be dismayed but the ending of this series leaves a door open for similar fayre from the talented Mark Wilson (Can’t really elaborate further without spoiling plot..Y’know the score).

Anyone who’s followed my reviews on here will know how much I’ve enjoyed the series thus far. The story began with the initial imprisonment of plague sufferers under the grounds of St. Marys church in Edinburgh and how centuries later all hell was let loose in Edinburgh when the crypts were opened and zombie-like survivors ate and killed through the population of Modern day Edinburgh.  In a short time, the UK government erected a wall / fence around the entirety of Edinburgh sealing in survivours and Zombies (The Ringed) alike.

Throughout the series we have gotten to meet some of the survivours including the main young heroes of the tales (Alys and Joe), as well as other regulars like Steph, James and one of my favourite villains of all time, “Bracha” (whose true identity is revealed in book 3 of the series, causing your humble narrator to spit out his rice crispies in utter shock and mirth!) There have been important characters throughout the books, none more so I guess, than Joe and Steph’s parents and Joes adopted father Figure, Jock.  

Wilson brings them all to life with unnerving reality (especially given the nature / genre of the books) Each and every character is brought to life, flaws and all. This is no twee Young Adult series…not by a long chalk. The killings, battles, fights and even the family relationships are brutal.  But there is humour, sadness and Uplifting moments aplenty throughout all of the first 3 books of the series and (thank you Mr Wilson) an epic good versus evil battle. (theres also a story changing  twist  to the end of book 2 Deadinburgh, Alliances). I thought that was it….,game over after the defining book 3 battle.  I was gutted. I felt that there was so much more to build on.

I was right.

This final instalment not only ties up all the loose ends brilliantly, it also introduces brilliant new characters like The Deacon, Jess, The Eunuch and a  whole new sinister cult, founded decades earlier when they sealed their privileged arse's in a golf club house community and its surrounding lands, away from contamination and the Ringed.

Joe’s father makes an unexpected and unwelcome return and thankfully, for everyone’s entertainment, the twisted and tortured Bracha returns.

This is where it’s difficult to discuss without giving too much away to you unfortunates who haven’t read any of the series.

Behind the scenes of the internal hunts, battles, infections and slayings is an even more sinister monster…and after Joe and Alys meet up with Joes father an even bigger event unfolds that puts the entire world at risk.

Will it survive, will our heroes survive? ..I swear that I read the final few chapters open mouthed as Wilson uses his literary talents to paint images of despair, hope, victory, defeat, death and life and  more death firmly in your mind’s eye.

I was genuinely happy / sad when it all finally ended as Wilson has such a brilliant knack of drawing you in emotionally to his characters. The ending for these particular group was nigh on perfect for me…and around this ending Wilson intertwined some new twists and tales that firmly opened the door for a new adventure that left me with a smile on my face whilst my brain and heart were mourning the final end of the Deadinburgh stories.

I can’t recommend this book (and its 3 predecessors (Vantage, Alliances and Origins)  enough.

Enthralling. 5 out of 5

Buy it here