The End

Derby day Ins & Outs

(With contributions from ex End writers Tony McClelland and Paul Need)
dedicated to the memory of my mate Anthony Thompson.

Ins

• ·       A line of damp cookie dough in yer spliff
  ·         Confusing yer knickers with yer neckless
  ·         Having a “socks over your trainee’s” reunion
  ·         Boring the arse of yer kids
  ·         Doing a mime during clap for heroes
  ·         The Cotton Wool diet “it absorbs all the fat”. (*8 out of 3 trialist’s lost an   average of 3 stone a day).
  ·         Cheating in quizzes
  ·         Spray painting your testicles
  ·         Failing an M.O.T when you don’t own a car
  ·         Bullying a pickled egg.
  ·         Digging the dogging
  ·         Canny farm roundabout
  ·         Flaunting the furlough
  ·         Penis vein’d arms
  ·         Stuffing basa fillets into your t shirt to simulate having moobs
  ·         Mutating a militant, mutant.
  ·         Recalling gravy (fondly)
  ·         Revving loudly at 3am (when you don’t own a car)
  ·         Celebrating wildly whenever you hear a fart on a bus
  ·         Farting on the 10a
  ·         Incontinence plants
  ·         Resembling custard
  ·         Cactus cock syndrome
  ·         Saying “honestly,” before telling a blatant lie. (I honestly, love it when   people do that).
  ·         the famous, British, “stiff upper, fanny, lip”
  ·         Pondering what to rename your Jap’s-eye, during these politically correct   times.
  ·         Curried corduroy
  ·         Practising post lockdown chat up lines
  ·         Mowing astro turf
  ·         Drinking a pint of Singleman’s special reserve
  ·         Having a turbulent Sunday
  ·         Knowing a Kestrel from a Mohawk
  ·         Asking your barber to give you a Kestrel haircut
  ·         Finding solace in humus
  ·         Danish Bacon Flip flops
  ·         Being inclined to boredom wanks
  ·         Rediscovering Haircut 100
  ·         Always having a frozen carrot at hand.
  ·         Will Self
  ·         Will Power
  ·         ♫ Will you still love me tomorrow ♫ (when I have morning breath and I'm   firing out Kebab farts)?
  ·         Using bags of cod-in-butter-sauce as shoe insoles
  ·         Plopping yer false teeth in your mates red wine
  ·         Knee-capping a whale.
  ·         BLM
  ·         BLT
  
  

  Outs

  
  
  ·         ALM
  ·         BHS
  ·         Skinny jeans
  ·         Skinny jeans on fat hipsters
  ·         Hipsters
  ·         Twatting anyone who says “Baller”
  ·         Jose, the grim reaper of football.
  ·         Making pallets from garden furniture.
  ·         Throwing a surprise birthday party when you're self isolating
  ·         Going on a tinned meat diet.
  ·         Banging on about how many miles you walked.
  ·         Making up a conspiracy theory and believing it.
  ·         Taking quizzes seriously
  ·         Calling on “all footy lads”
  ·         Calling on all footy lads and then shitting out and not attending
  ·         Footy Lads answering the call
  ·         Algorithms
  ·         Discussing fish
  ·         Any puns ending with “lives matter”
  ·         Gin, with a hint of Bono,
  ·         Conspiracy theorist’s (especially regarding corona)
  ·         Working with wool Liverpool fans (not from Liverpool) who just   don’t get The S*n thing
  ·         Tik tok tits
  ·         Life size, Player, cardboard cut-outs
  ·         Corona blogs
  ·         Belting out the Steve Gerrard (fell on his arse) song at home   during the derby (even though there isn’t a Liverpool fan present)
  ·         Working at home
  ·         Working at home & bargains
  ·         Working at Hulme
  ·         Woking and Hulme.
  ·         Fitbit tits
  ·         Olives
  ·         Olive armies
  ·         Attempting to hire a minibus for lockdown away games at your   mates gaffe
  ·         Saying “during these troubled times”
  ·         London’s finest mobbing girls picnicking.
  ·         Building a drinks cabinet under your stairs.
  ·         Free mugs from sports direct
  ·         Lockdown orgies in crocky park
  ·         Calling people murderers (unless applied to police officials)
  ·         Garden Shed lock-ins
  ·         Using “banter” to excuse shitty comments and behaviour
  ·         Vegan Pencil sharpeners
  ·         Specialising in prem league left backs
  ·         No-neck’d red-necks.
  ·         Shorts and desert boots combo’s