Thursday, 28 August 2014
Shit, we forgot about August, we've been busy blowing coke up Rihanna's arse..all good, she loved our tales about the King Harry,...But to bring us back to reality is a belated song of the month for August , ...Vatican Broadside, by the mighty HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT , please listen to their music. http://cobweb.businesscollaborator.com/hmhb/
Saturday, 19 July 2014
- Adrian Chiles’ testicle like jowels
- Argentina’s brasil decime que se siente song
- Finding cabbage in your undies
- Farting at 4.15 on a Friday
- Telling yer ma she looks fuckin hot today
- The Brazilian kajagoogoo look
- hard-case seagulls
- Coffee benders.
- Misanthropic hippies.
- Offering your laptop out in frustration.
- Saying "it’s not a problem" for no apparent fucking reason.
- Listening to someone debating the semantics of "doing one"or
- "getting on one"
- Getting off one
- Sideboards on yer face
- Sideburns in yer living room (with plazzy flowers on)
- Arse beards
- Throwing 6593 buttons in your girlfriends face while she sleeps
- Pretending your saw Ian McNabb on Neil Youngs support bill
- Having girth
- Asking for a gam
- Doing keepy ups with a mouth organ
- Playing “blowing in the wind” on a tennis ball
- Finishing your partners (jail) sentences
- Giving peace a chance
- The ever increasing realisation that your country’s (respected?) media tells lies and hides truth
- Sapporo lager
- Shitting on yer neighbours lawn at 3.40 a.m.
- Bindipping…yes, that’s what we do in Liverpool, (you stupid inbred southern ignorant gobshites)
- Remembering the Rubettes keyboard player
- Kim Gorden (yes, still!)
- Phil Collins secret stash of corned beef stashed offshore near Anglesey
- Staring at rude boys
- Chicken thighs after sex
- Big fat calves
- Casual rolling stones nights
- Nicky Morgans tales of passion in the classroom (Book 2 )
- Nick Caves cavernous cock conundrum (should he splice it thrice, or not?)
- CSI (if “CSI”= Croxteth should implode)
- Gear change wanks
- Flicking snot on James Cordens back
- Putting cress seeds around yer sweaty bollock when you go to bed
- Making the Mrs egg and cress butties
- Asking the waiter to join you
- Asking your granddad if you can borrow butt plug
- Charging a mars bar over night
- Penis shaped chicken fillets
- Japanese blackpudding
- Volleying the milkman
- Having an affair with a snooker cue
- Balancing corned beef
- Tripping your mates 2 year old up
- Asking for a gobble
- Riding a pizza
- Ted Dansons extraordinarily long ball bag
- Exposing gobshites
- Soap on toast
- Feeling a left tit
- Tomato sauce lolly ices
- Getting a balloon attached to a stick off the rag man
- Swerving coke ‘eds
- Saying “come on then” (instead of just getting on with the job in hand)
- The Brazil crowds shrieking rendition of their Anthem
- Asking for a pint of walnuts at your local
- Curry flavoured edible knickers
- Remembering the Goodies
- claiming to know a favela crew.
- talking defensive tactics with your cat.
- The Chilean Travis bickle look.
- saying "the space behind"
- Linekers noisome smirk.
- Lurid teenage beards.
- Britain's firsts dads army type brigades.
- Being young and healthy (twats!)
- Cockneys (again)
- Cock eyed cockney’s
- Telling folk the plural of cockney is Cocti
- Getting legged by cocti
- Teenagers in waistcoats
- Skinny lad legs
- Circumcised budgies
- Cardboard jammy’s
- Pencil dicks
- Forgetting what you were going to …
- conservative Conservatives
- labour intensive labour voters
- Anti-social Socialists
- Undemocratic Democrats
- Undisclosed closure
- Angry nipples
- Dramatic photos of oneself in the theatre
- Forgetting who your mates were
- MP’s and Musician publicity photos
- Supporting a club that doesn’t give a fuck about its original core fans
- Indiscriminate bombings of civilians
- Living in an area so shite that shootings don’t even make the local papers, never mind the tabloids
- Bootle Strand
- Being a wacky, “cool” senior manager
- Sugary armpits
- Getting someone else to reply on your behalf (shithouse)
- Not realising you’re a twat
- Chelsea……just everything, classless twats
- Being shit on by the club you support
- Mixed veg stuffed In your foreskin
- Imaging The Rubbettes keyboard player making scouse
- Wool bosses thinking they are street
- Moist pencil tips
- Mates who tell you how many reps they have done
- Being dead serious
- Cock rot
- Still talking about breaking bad
- Gobshite shouting “Neil Diamond” over and over at Neil Young gig?
- Channelling god via Boris’s arse
- Excusing yourself
- Bullshitting about your VOTE
- Forgetting your rooooooots
- Shitting bull shit
- Expecting victory
- Self-declared hard men
- Cars with love handles
- Parsnip parties
- Expecting solidarity
Monday, 14 July 2014
Staying on a South American theme did y’see ol’ tattoo ted himself DAVE BOY BECKS tear arseing through the AMAZONIAN rainforest scarin’ the shit out of endangered hunter gatherers and killing untold numbers of grubs and beetles . Yes the well-known conservationist BECKHAM rumoured to be lined up for David Attenborough’s job when those gorillas get payback time, was on a quest (err Mr BBC MAN WHAT DOES QUEST MEAN AGAIN?) A nervous and excited BECKS was heard to ask) on motorbike with a few likeminded souls to find himself , his true being , being at one with nature and lots of other stuff like that.
For fucks sake does anyone believe this shite ? Him and the lads, ah yes it’s always the lads done more damage than a posse of LATINO LOGGERS could manage in years. They had more gear with them than PINK FLOYD on the road. This nauseating bollocks coupled with the predictable hugs and back slaps off the lads had me praying for a local to produce one last salvo of poison darts and do us all a favour. No such luck.
Moving on a couple of months and where does the great white explorer DOCTOR BECKHAM turn up? A Swirling mass of millionaire mountain climbers Potholing charity campaigning greats and an assortment of inbred toffs who’ve never done a day’s hard graft in theirfuckin lives ? Endlings, I gave you the royal box at WIMBLEDON. Good to see SCOTTIE ROADS finest PRISSILA WHITE deep in the morass. Our CILLA…….I wonder if ROLF has sent her the V.O yet ?
So what next for BECKS and the lads? De-lousing poxed up badgers, flossing polar bears with dodgy molars (hope so) I suppose it’s not his fault the lads are in tow. Whether it’s a gang of divis carrying a blow up doll from bar to bar or a rump of 40 plus (in years and numbers) fat ‘eads squeezed into NORTH FACE anything cos it’s the lads!...well that makes its alright doesn’t it? Sorry must dash. Going out with the lads it’s the pool team reunion! STAY TUNED FOR THE POOL TEAM REUNION.
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
This shall be known as the Rant....Weekly? Monthly? Who knows?
World cup news, forget the Suarez chomp on the tatty PRIMARNI Italian shirt. Y ‘see that’s the problem......quality control. Let me explain. Previous world cups always showed Italian style at its best ,whether it be baggy shorts when everyone was wearing budgie smuggling speedos or even a nice glass of vino with your grub while others supped on cabbage juice prescribed by a smack ‘ed chancer of a shrink who frankly couldn’t believe his luck. Austerity is to blame. Six months ago my impeccable sources i.e one of the lads on the door at the supa dupa PRIMARNI store,Liverpool city centre, overheard a conversation which basically was a contract for the firm that clothes the nation to err sort Italy with world cup kits… with extra strong brown carrier bags thrown in for free ( extra strong to cope with the humidity humidity and the humidity ) Previously it was always KAPPA on the pitch AMARNI for the night clubs. Sadly economics dealt the azurri a cruel hand. Cut to the chase a decent KAPPA would never have fell apart just because a chap slobbered on your shoulder . Maybe they could bring them back hope they’ve kept the receipt. MORALITY.... Just how far up Terrence Henry’s carsy was GAL LINEKERS tongue ? Hand ball HENRY? sssshh GAL don’t want to mention that FRANCE /IRELAND game when the boring French man thought he was on a basketball pitch thus denying the republic world cup glory in SOUTH AFRICA.
Give me that loon ROBBIE SAVAGE any day! don’t know if its twins or triplets he’s expecting but at least he’s .....well, a loon. Being French doesn’t mean you’re naturally interesting. Over on ITV we have that fella who hosts the show ( where did the man whose name i can’t be arsed finding out come from ?) and CLARKE CARISLE the black RAY WILKINS sorry CLARKE I’ll take that back, too cruel. GORDON STRACHAN is great and who’s that fella who’s always incandescent with rage ? Probably all hanging out of Amazonian brasses, jammy bastards. Highlight of the tournament so far has to be FREDS muzzie. What a great name as well! would have been really weird if he had thrown the O on the end which is always a guarantee of world cup immortality. By the way are all those super models simply hanging around the grounds or what ? The beasty Brazilian camera men never fail in their efforts to introduce top quality totty to the slobbering masses. Coupled with lardy oafs in divi traditional garb to ensure gender balance thus preventing Guardian readers from complaining and being outraged on channel 4 news.....still beasts though.
Saturday, 14 June 2014
Nerys Hughes nightmares
Putting cress seeds in the padding of yer ma’s bra’s
The Return of Harry Hurs
Naming your dog Feltcher
Asking for it
Wearing peppered mackerel
Silkies on yer wrists
Farting in the cereal box before you go to work
Suzie Quatro on a hot day
Aspiring to be slothful
Being a whopper
wankers wearing a boards
Risking your life with every gulp of Bubble Tea
Sitting on a roof for a photo
Not brushing your hair and calling it "unkempt"
The colour yeller
People watching TV of people watching more TV
Pop up restaurants
Pop ups telling me I have horny girls in my area
People "grabbing" coffees
Little Dinks (lobbing the goalie)
Asking for a gam
Finding yourself in custard
Watching the defectives
Croatian (ass) Crack
Pissing on your (“forgetful”) Nans mattress while she cooks the Roast
Neil Young’s mum
Columbia’s goal celebration
Unfeasibly long sac’s
World cup shaped wine bottles
Farting on a ladybird
World cup willy
Comparing testicle length
Finding a cock
The neighbour’s kids going “whoop whoop” to the big brother theme music when you’re watching Holland v Spain
Feeling for stubble on yer tongue
Road To Rio (shite TV show)
Craving a meatball
Still playing golf
Buying an ant
Flicking a bean on a subbuteo table
Wrapping ones cock with Parma ham
Soaking your hands in vinegar to give you super hard knuckles
Deep fried knickers
Not having a dodgy past
Getting fingered behind the Mecca Bingo
Lucky Bags with the turtle on
Going the shop with £1 and coming back with the world and a 10p mix
The 79C CMT
Cheryl Coles Arse
Lily Allens luck
The vanishing free kick 10 yard spray
World cup condoms
Wigsey from the Rochdale mob
Having 8 cocks
The ins and outs this month had a few …only a very few, contributions from up and coming Liverpool comedienne Elizabeth Scott, you can read and see her rants here
http://scouseprinnyinlondon.blogspot.co.uk/ or https://plus.google.com/104367881567896259855/posts but, yer know, mine were funnier like
Wednesday, 4 June 2014
Song of the Month June 2014
The Tea Street Band - Lost for Words. Latest release from the Brilliant Tea Street Band
Love this song!
You can get their album here;
The Tea Street Band - Lost for Words. Latest release from the Brilliant Tea Street Band
Love this song!
You can get their album here;
Friday, 16 May 2014
The TruthDue to enormous demand, The Arts centre are putting on another 2 day run of this moving and poignant play at The City of Liverpool College Arts Centre on Tuesday 8th and Wed 9th July starting at 7pm.
Attendance is quite limited so you will have to book tickets in advance.
To book tickets or just make enquirers call Eddie Chinn on 0151 252 4344 or the drama dept 0151 252 4312.
Be prepared for a very emotional few hours. This is a must see play.
The Arts Centre, Myrtle Street (14th & 15th May)
Directed by Eddie Chinn
Last night I was privileged to be able to attend my first grown up play.
The fact it was about Hillsborough (and that my daughter was part of the production team) meant that I was prepared (well, as prepared as I could be) for an emotional evening.
The play was directed by Eddie Chinn and was performed a cast of students who attend Liverpool Community College Arts centre. If anyone thinks this might mean it could have been amateurish and flakey…you couldn’t be more wrong.
The Truth tells the story through the eyes and words of the families that lost their loved ones. The script was written by students after tons of research was done, trawling through archive interviews with families and then their own personal recent interviews with the families. It’s based on actual events during and following the disaster along with personal family memories prior to the day and since. The families mentioned by name in the play were spoken to and gave their blessings for it to proceed and it was poignant to see some of those family members in the audience.
A relatively small cast were tasked with playing various multiple roles (form Police officers, to mothers, from Politicians to brothers and sisters of the deceased) interspersed with some very funny, much needed scally banter from some young lads who set off to Hillsborough on the day as a gang of four but returned as a gang of three.
The play weaves in and out of various families recalling the day….or their memories of childhood incidents and also focuses on the effects it had on those families ever since.(some of which are extremely harrowing).
I have to say that it was incredibly powerful stuff watching these young actors playing the roles of the likes of Anne Williams, Trevor and Jenny Hicks etc and hearing and seeing how Hillsborough tore their lives apart.
I’m not ashamed to say I was reduced to tears on so many occasions that lost count. The audience were spellbound throughout. The only sound you could hear were the stifled sniffles of those trying not to sob too loudly and the occasional gasp as a brutal point was rammed home in true scouse style.
I guess it shouldn’t have been surprising to see the different ways each family reacted and remembered…but to see it brought to life in such a brilliant and stark performance left me breathless and heartbroken. A side story revolving around the mother of a Nottingham Forest supporter r recalling how her son was affected by what he saw that day had the women either side of me reduced to crumpled messes.
The Truth was dark, incredibly sad, thought provoking and at times funny. I sat there wishing that every prick who has ever said the words “those scousers should just get over it”, or “why don’t they just move on” was there to witness this play as I would defy anyone to think that after seeing this play.
The performances were electric. Every role played to perfection, every character tugging you one way or another.
I also sat there thinking of the hundreds of people I know who would have loved to have seen this but never got the opportunity as Unfortunately the play only ran for two nights (and was sold out instantly).
Maybe with some interest we can force a proper run, or get it shown at other theatres?
The Truth affected me.
Poignant, harrowing and moving but none the less, uplifting.
There’s also a great musical soundtrack helping the performances along the way featuring songs by The Beatles, The Cure, Paul McCartney, Echo and The Bunnymen, John Lennon ( All I want is THE TRUTH) ..oh and Agga Do by Black Lace, haha.
I hope that many more people get to see what I witnessed last night, it was an incredible performance and one that deserves to be seen by many more people.
Watch this space.